This barren wasteland that surrounds on each and every side
Matches well the emptiness and desolation that’s inside.
This land is home to the fly, the maggot, the cockroach and the worm.
The rat, the eel, the leech, the flea and all the things that squirm.
There are no birds, no trees, no flowers in the sun.
No rainbows, candy, or small children having fun.
Truth be told there’s not much here but shit and vice and mange
And I hope that you like drizzle ‘cause the weather’s yet to change.
But don’t despair cuz’ after all there’s good news in the end.
A whole plethora of neighbors that can’t wait to be your friend.
First up there’s pretty Susan who’s like the perfect girl next door.
She’s kind and sweet and has been raped 36 times since she was four.
And then there’s Big Bobbie who is just such a charming lad.
He sprayed paint in his brother’s throat cuz’ he felt like being bad.
There’s handsome Mr. Noodle who sells heroin in town.
And Mrs. Noodle who is like the biggest whore around.
Then there’s Henry the homeless guy that picks through all your trash.
Don’t mind the smell he claims it’s from the medicine for his rash.
You can always go have fun at the home of Mr. Hardy.
He’s quiet since he hanged himself but he throws a swinging party.
The cops dragged Miss Kettle away for one thing or another,
But stoners squat now in her house; to them you’re like a brother.
And there are many many more whom I’m sure you’d love to meet.
Alcoholics and thugs and drugs and hookers on every street.
Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood’s the ghetto compared to here.
He’s got nothing on this; our cheap sex and cheaper beer.
The sirens sing a jaunty tune with the gunshots keeping time,
And we’re so nice you can have free samples of our crime.
So come and stay a spell in this my old hometown,
A fairy tale kingdom just for you, and you can wear the crown.
This place is so fantastic it’s almost too good to believe,
So come visit where I grew up, and I promise you’ll never leave.